Greetings Ghouls, it’s that time of the week where the TMFB vampire
must emerge from his coffin after incessant prodding by the Van Helsing’s of
Machucando. You guys and your middling trade offers, MMFB demands, Venmo
requests and whatnot. I swear the Hollanade plumber who took a Kebron turd to
the fache wouldn’t be able to unclog you guys from the Machee plumbing system. But
after barely surviving a North / Central Florida roadie two weeks ago, I needed
a breakie to rally back some courage. As Rich and Rubz can attest, Jacksonville was a truly spooky experience and the scares haven't stopped coming since then!
THREE UP
Happy’s Lookouts – What do the last two MMFB’s have an in
common? They have both been penned after being accosted in person by JP about
them. Where it at chief? Serve it up bro! Needless to say, no rookie has
crawled under my skin so deeply like this since Dood emerged from Flannigan’s
with a failed entrance exam that had the Birmingham Bleu Bombers as a NFC East
team. JP gets top billing for calling this a must win and delivering after his
guys cagged out and closed out the game in a non Kayaa way.
Sucka Free – Oh boy, this column is going down the shitter
quick. Not only did Dfern take the Chief’s to the shed on the field, but he
also held his own throughout the weekend by boogie’ing down at Bardot on
Friday, doubling down at Baetch on Saturday and coming through Alshmeeria on
Sundee. Easy call for the second up on the week.
Hounders – Could we have just witnessed a Machee Bowl
preview? In a clash of this year’s titans, Davey rose to the occasion and took
down the mighty Harambe like a zookeeper’s bullet trained on taking down our
sweet gorilla gawd. DaJuan Harris scoop and score was savvy enough to bring
home the W over Al, who’s heading into election night ready to be throw a
flaming bag of gorilla poop into the streets.
JUST MISSED
Bank (Dark) – What’s this chief? Why is Bank getting love
when he’s in last place AND he got twerked this week? Quite simple. El Banco brought
his big score into my life, which made this weekend pretty awesome and
positioned a longterm space capade perfectly between Club Heart (now taking
RSVP’s, who’s D?!) and Yeezy on Dec. 4.
ONE DOWN
Don Pan – You know why you’re here! Hoggish Greedly = Big Bro
SPORTS CLIPS’ HUSTLE SHUTTLING CLIPS OF THE WEEK
^ what they do to Andres when he doesn't STFU in the shop ^
MELVEEN
LATAVIUS
INGRAM
EVANS
RUSS
CMON MON
SHAMMIE DAVIS – RUBZ BERRY! GOOSE EGG! CMON MON!
JER MACLINE – RUBZ ROTISSERIE! NEXT MEAL! GOOSE EGG! CMON
MON!
MARVIN’S ROOM- I’M JUST SAYING YOU COULD DO BETTER! (emo
break………) 1 POINT! CMON MON!
DEVANTE PARKER- WTF? YOU STARTED THIS GUY, GAI? 1 POINT!
CMON MON!
I can no longer lurk in the shadows and hide in the KC
Chiefs cave. Five straight weeks of consecutive high point shellacking,
combined with a tendency to live FAST and rudderless, has taken its toll on the
thing I love most. My sweet sweet MMFB. We’ve been through so much
together…roasted so many clown shows…bared witness to so many shitty
moves…documented so much daddy fat sacking. I’ve missed seeing Cecil Collins
bulldoze through that banner, and I know you guys did too. I got the calls, the
texts, the tugs on the shirt. From Marlins Park to Tap 42, I heard ya! “Chief
man wheres the fullback.” “Chief when you gonna break us off with that MMFB.”
“Chief that girl is staring at you and this one lookin fat enough to get you
doing the Men in Black breakdown dance down to make ya neck work.” Even the
rookie had the nerve to chirp at me. “Hey man where’s that fullback at?”…. JP,
I wouldn’t let you drain the shit from my shower. Know your role as rookie in
Machu and think before I stuff you in a Can Jam with your legs kicking out and your eyes peaking out of the slot like a venetian island orgy house door guard.
I am actually writing this while watching the MMFB game, and
at halftime, I am clinging to a 12 point lead. I’m placing a book mark in the
MMFB, and will resume when the game has gone final into a TMFB.
…………..
Next Morning
……………
One Week Later
Holy smokes. Behold history in the making, the first MMFB
written over the course of a week. And just like that, I AM BACK. Maybe it’s
the three night bender I put my corpse through from Thursday to Sunday and my
body still coursing out the good stuff, but I’m more back than a sit down in
the nook pre-mid-post Tuca. Whatever it is, this rudderless and month-long
winless individual is jumping right into a juju approved edition. Let’s get
right to it:
THREE UP
Dixieland Delish- Take a lap Andy, you’ve earned it.
Back-to-back 120+ point victories, puzzling together the 100 times broken piggy
bank like Nic Cage in National Treasure to travel to Tuscaloosa for a Bama W, and
scoring some new shades from Tio Smitty all count towards your MMFB slush fund
and today you bow to no one except for Crosby when he takes a shit and you have
to pick it up barehanded.
Sunday Suckdown- Cojones, he’s back in the weekly high pot
battle for the 10th time this year. RFP gets second billing for
making up two / thirds of this weekend’s bender triumvirate in Big Bro Rene,
Tio Smitty and Little Fast Horn himself. Doesn’t matter what your fantasy team
does when you buy two bottles at Tuca, fall on your ass grinding with a
waitress and survive hearing Ooouuuu at Club Heart at 5 am. O-Town to Jax in
the McGurt here we come...my thoughts exactly Smitty.
Sucka Free- Call him Miami’s Sir Charles because our very
own mini young mound of rebound is bouncing back bigger than Hall N Oates
Holiday Love. Emerging from the Machee basement with me with a breakthrough
weekend, Dfern gets third billing because of his strong win and me haven’t
written this so long I’ve forgotten what it’s like to truly roast.
THREE DOWN
Sgt. Mafiol – I’m seriously laughing at that 50 point
stinker! You take one dune buggy ride to watch some llama’s fuck in a bourbon
induced haze and THAT’s what happens. The Tuca and Machee gawds weren’t happen
with you this weekend after a sizzle-lean run through October. Look for that
Jax bounce back.
Blooching – It’s tough to really express the Christmas Grinch
smile that came upon my mug upon opening the WEZ Main message board and seeing
the post from DMoney titled, “This one is on Richt.” Three straight losses and
the Pastor’s seat is boiling. Couple that with a sub 80 point performance and STARTING
AN INACTIVE TIGHT END and you are getting slung through the mud in here.
Que Rico – Despite a free run through The Bar Friday night
that had him serving as the JJ Redick to my De’Andre Jordan and Eddie’s CP3,
his Machee Sundee ended much like his hall pass with not enough steam to hit
the finish line. No one’s been hit by the injury bug harder this year but you
aren’t in PISS LAST place like me so deal with it.
SPORTS CLIPS’ HUSTLE SHUTTLING CLIPS OF THE WEEK
MELVIN
AJAYI
AJ GREENY
FORTE
LUCKY
JEREMY HEEL
CMON MON
RUBENS ENTIRE TEAM- BAAHAAHAHAA CMON MON!
Who I like on Monday night, and I mean
is anyone else in the mood for a glass or three of wine tonight and a camel
crush or Virginia slim:
Ah, perhaps my favorite Monday
Morning Fullback segment, the Monday Night Chief picks. Only one game left in
the balance and that undefeated mono is hanging with his dong out to dry. Big
Bro has an 8 point lead left with his kicker, while Big Al has a little pony in
CJ Anderson that is ready to trot…at home…on a Monday night. Hate to say it,
but Harambe stays Shula for another week.
I’m off to O-Town and Jax for the
week, I’ll see you all on the other side of the river.
Let us build the city of GAW and let it begin with SHMEE.
Greeting Machee’s and welcome to an all familiar edition of
the Tuesday Morning Fullback (TMFB). As you all well know, there’s going to be
plenty of times a year when the MMFB gets shellacked so bad on Sundee or did it
so big on Saturdee that he has no choice but to lick his wounds and hunker down
like Andres’ car parked outside Smitty’s crib for 72 hours.
And oh what a Saturdee it was, as just shy of half the
league banded together to simultaneously celebrate and ignore Davey’s upcoming nuptials.
It was just like old times harkening back to Belen and Gville as the older
generation of Big Bro’s took Little Bro’s under the respective wings to show
them what watching and enjoying a Florida Gators football game is all about aka
Dfern’s worst nightmare…
A video posted by Barstool
Sports (@barstoolsports) on
That’s right. How to have the perfect Saturday, starting at
6 pm and ending at 6 am, was in session. Notebooks were out as first period
began at Treehouse for Shmee’ing 101. Every working diligently like Keebler Elf’s
at the fudge factory. May as well have been singing a little yo ho theme song.
A look around the room saw a lot of smiling faces. Once Shmee 101 was done, we
were off to Ba(e)tch outside door table for second period aka La Entrada. A round
of drinks, a splitty of gritty, some good talks with Rodney and Dorian before
scooting off to the restroom and the runny egg runway to be SEEN. Oh and to
watch the Gators, my B!!!, Go Gators. Anyways, it’s not long before it’s time
for home room, which occurs a short climb of the limestone and a hop skip of
the tracks away. It is there where like any good home room, good times are
head. Unfortunately, I have to flunk Davey for this period as he opted or was
coerced into staying back with a fearful Big Bro, instead of riding with his
new Big Bro! After a quick photo sesh for the people, we are back in Ba(e)tch
to resume finishing strong fourth period. It is here where drinks ramp up and a
furious rally of chirping at everyone in sight goes down. And of course
cheering for the orange and blue!!! Finally, the clock strikes zero and it’s
off for a final marinade and holla at the door. From there, it’s time to chill
in the Tuca icebox, but not before geology class in the fifth period. There’s a
beauty to Tuca and it lies in it’s surrounding nooks and crannies. A veritable
Galapagos Island of indigenous fauna and little sweet spots just meant to sit
and shmee shmee shmee. Davey and I had a great time at the 7-11 house bungalow
where we enjoyed a full couples massage (read: shmee). Once in Tuca, it’s all
about the waiting game. 90 minutes spent in solitude is the final perfect
pregame for when the crowd rushes in…and they always do. From there, you know
what happens, it’s the last period and all your homework will be put to the
test, chirping, hollering, vacilando, bailando, surviving the lucha libre mask
doorman, ignoring the calls from home base. With that, your night is done, and
man the Gators played great!
ONTO THE GOODS
THREE UP
Sunday Suckdown- Back to back winner of the league high pot
challenge, no one is running hotter than hornsky. It’s good to be Richie these
days. Survived a busy week, got crowned Big Bro by Davey, expert at shmee’ing
and watching his squad cruise behind Forte, Kelvin, D’Angelo and co. Expect another
high flying week from Rich in Week 3 / Beat UT.
The Bank – To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man and
Smitty did that by beating the breaks off ole Chief straight into Tuesday. I
saw this nightmare week coming from a mile away and boy did it break off in my
fache. The two tight end set worked to perfect, the Cam to Greg double up,
Legarette Blounting the Dolphins. Didn’t need to watch one fantasy show or one
set of rankings to see this paliza coming my way.
Sucka Free- Hey! (dodges tomato from Rene). Don’t you dare
throw tha—( ducks from Al head of cabbage). Everyone simmer down! (JP spits on
at the stage). First, he survives being off the namesake plate, now he’s in the
three up? Dfern gets the final salutations for surviving the aforementioned
school session. It was a trying afternoon and evening for him, but he left with
his heart and pampers full. His team also performed admirably as Carson had a
good day, both his backs remained sturdy and he got another fresh squeeze out
of orange Julius. Proof he was there folks and even got a nibble!
THREE DOWN
Que Rico – The injury bug first nibbled with Keenan, and
then chomped with the Woodpecker as Kebron’s Charger laden squad hit the skids.
Not too mention Arian going down like a sack of papas with his swiss cheese
barbaro horse ween. Somehow, he’s staying above water with some savvy moves on
the wire in Pitta and Williams, but Kebron could use a weekend in Eden East
healing up.
Blooching – Much like his Canes, D$’s squad is suffering
through an early bout with mediocreitis. He hasn’t had that league winning week
output yet from Shady, ARob, etc to combine with ARodg’s usually healthy
output. Still, welcome back to revelance as those new Adidas jerseys do bring
the 3-stripe life hype to life.
Andres- Woo doggie. Look at this turd festering at the
bottom of the toilet bowl. Couldn’t even beat Ruben’s jankie squad when his QB
is on one leg. Hang in there buddy, Alabama looked great on Saturday.
SPORTS CLIPS’ HUSTLE SHUTTLING CLIPS OF THE WEEK
SUPER CAM
MATT FORTE
MATTY ICE
DIGGLET
THE BENJAMEENS
CMON MON
Doug Baldwin- Docta said I neeed a backeotomy! 3 points!
CMON MON!
Arian Fostree- Docta said I need an everythingotomy! 0.9!
CMON MON!
Moncrief -CMON MON-CRIEF!
1 POINT!
Rawls – NOT AS GOOD AS LIUTENANT ON THE WIRE! 2 POINTS! CMON
MON!
Dougie – TEACH ME HOW TO DUECIE! 2 POINTS! CMON MON!
That’s all she wrote, now make like Ruben when he’s found a
fresh target and work….
